Mindful Leadership Coaching | Book Review

Mindful Leadership Coaching: Journeys into the Interior

By Manfred F. R. Kets De Vries

OVERVIEW

This book is aimed at coaches and leaders but there are so many impactful yet simple insights for anyone to take away. I think it’s important to define “mindfulness” as that drives the main premise of the book - Kets De Vries defines mindfulness as the ability to draw attention to things and experiences in an open and non-judgemental manner. Specifically in relation to coaching or build your own self awareness it helps us notice how damaging some thoughts can be.

The book starts with an introduction to some key concepts like an overview of Mindfulness, a discussion on the “Attachment Imperative” (the impact of our past interpersonal relationships on our current relationships) and the “Art of Forgiveness”. You then take those learnings and concepts into chapters on the perils of Victims, Rescuers and Psychopaths in the office. The last part of the book is heavily focused on coaching methodology, purpose and how to create tipping points for others in their development journeys.

For the purpose of this review, I’m going to focus on the earlier sections as the insights there are more relatable for a wider audience. There is a lot of theory balanced with practical, helpful action plans to do to change behaviours of yourself and coach others to do the same. I recommend this book, it’s a short read, filled with frameworks and tips on how to get the best out of others and create real change.

FAVOURITE INSIGHTS

• As humans we need to learn to manage the three parts of ourselves: the elephant (our character, sometimes uncontrollable), our hedgehog (the simultaneous need for closeness and distance from other people) and the ouroboros (the ongoing cycle and realising that to change we must break the cycle).

• The Power of Forgiveness

  • Forgiving means that we accept the faults and realities of being human and it fosters healing.

  • Forgiving isn’t acceptance or forgetting but it’s acknowledgement that the past is the past - and the future is what matters.

  • Forgiveness is powerful and breaks the chains of bitterness and hate.

  • In the context of leadership, leaders deal with a wide range of relationships and people and simply cannot afford to turn every slight or conflict into a grudge - leaders need to be aware of the cost of holding grudges.

  • Forgiving is something that we do for ourselves.

  • I really liked this term “obsessional rumination” - which perfectly describes our ability to obsessively return to an issue and think about it again and again. We need to change our inner scripts and ‘jolt’ ourselves out of the loop - when you catch yourself returning to think about something that just makes you upset - change your internal monologue “no, it’s not helpful to rethink that, let’s change the vibe and make a list of all the things that WERE helpful or constructive or valuable today”.

  • Having empathy means that you can understand someone else’s point of view, and you can still be upset about being hurt by someone else but you can also stay pragmatic and value the relationship.

  • See a summary of the five recommended steps to forgiveness in the images at the end of the article.

• Are you a Victim?

  • There’s a great quote which brings home the danger yet the allure of being a victim: “Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” John Gardner.

  • This was quite a confronting chapter, because I think at some times in our lives we all fall into the patterns of being a victim. You learn what a victim is (complains about problems, trouble seems to follow them, every effort to help is met with reasons why it won’t work, doesn’t take control of their own lives or believes they can). You also learn why people fall into these patterns and the personal gains they do get from being a victim, things like attention and affection.

  • To break the victim behaviours you have to bring awareness to the victim and help identify why do they want to be a victim? Ask “what do you lose by solving this” e.g. less attention - understanding this helps to change the behaviours and look at healthier ways to get the same benefit.

• Are you a Rescuer?

  • This was an interesting chapter, and again something that leaders can easily fall into - wanting to help and support others but not taking the time to coach them to find their own solution. In the end this doesn’t result in permanent solutions because you aren’t teaching others how to solve their own problems and rescue themselves.

  • There were some great tips about how to be an effective rescuer: being respectful of autonomy, being self aware and disciplined about your involvement and allowing for ambiguity without trying to fix or learn or know everything and giving others space to discover that for themselves.
    
    

FAVOURITE QUOTE

I chose this quote because even though my favourite insights are quite specific to forgiveness, the premise of the book is around coaching - and the power we have as leaders to help others become better people tomorrow than they were today.

“Leaders are merchants of hope, we help people become better than they think they are”

THOUGHT PROVOKERS

Questions for self-reflection:

• Is there something in your life (work or personal) that you could release yourself from by forgiving someone? (Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a pain for which you are not responsible?)

• How easily do you forgive others? Do you foster forgiveness within your team?

• When you find yourself in a negative thought spiral or falling into victim behaviours - what do you lose by solving this problem?

MORE OF MY FAVOURITE INSIGHTS: