When *you're* the drama

ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES NEW LEADERS MAKE

We get so busy looking at other people

This is something that I see so often with new leaders, and actually a lot of professionals in general - and it's  a hyperactive external focus. Focusing on what's happening around them, what other people are doing and saying, and how other people's actions are impacting the situation. 

External Focus looks like:

• what is happening around me?
• what are other people doing, saying and thinking?
• how have other people caused this situation? who is at 'fault' here?
• what should they have done differently in this situation?

Being able to see what's happening around you is a really great skill, and one that we cultivated as part of our survival toolkit - being able to assess our environment and identify threats so we can fight if we can or dip out of there if we need to. The challenge with a perspective that is heavily skewed towards the external is that we often become focused on finding fault with others, and get into a habit of placing blame or accountability onto others as well. 

External Focus sounds like:

• that person always makes this mistake!
• if they didn't do this, we wouldn't be in this situation.
• it's because I don't have the right tools to do this.
• that person's actions meant that this has happened.

We create unhelpful perspectives.

An overly external focus can put us into an unhealthy mindset about ourselves, where we see other people as the 'bad guys', we think that and things are always happening TO us because we can't see how we cause them, and we can start to feel like (I don't like this word but I'll use it anyway) - the *victim*.

We also have a few  internal cognitive bias that make an external focus quite dangerous:

• Our Negativity Bias - which forces us to notice negative things more than positive things and to also dwell on them more than positive things, and we have a tendency to believe negative thoughts more than we believe positive thoughts. When we're constantly looking at other people, we can start to develop unrealistic negative perceptions of them. You can start thinking that everyone around you is an idiot, or is out to get you. Have you heard that quote "If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, then you're the asshole."- well, yep, that's pretty self explanatory right? You focus so much on how terrible others are, you don't realise how you're contributing to those interactions and perhaps making them terrible yourself.
• We also have Fundamental Attribution Error at play too, this is when we are really quick to label people and their actions, and we tend to be kinder to ourselves. Like if someone else doesn't respond to an email we assume it's because they are unorganised and rude, but when we don't respond to an email we think it's because we're busy and will get to it later. This can only be managed effectively when you take the time to think more deeply about what's happening with others and yourself - if you took a bit more time to review the situation you'd be more likely to be kinder to other people and more realistic with yourself rather than making snap judgements and sticking with them.  

Where this external focus becomes damaging is when it's out of balance with how much we are focusing internally, because it means we are attributing a disproportionate amount of causation to other people - and not really looking at how we ourselves have contributed to a situation. That sucks because we are placing a lot of blame on other people and less on ourselves, but it also means we take away a bit of our personal agency when we say that other people have caused this - and disregard that fact that we are powerful humans who also impact and influence situations.

Don't forget to turn your focus internally too

An Internal Focus looks like:

• How am I thinking, feeling or acting right now?
• How did my actions contribute to what's happening around me? In a positive way, in a less constructive way?

When we look at both internal and external factors with the same weighting and understanding, we can create a more balanced perspective. When we have a more balanced view, it allows us to have a more realistic picture of what's going on. We allow ourselves to critique the external situation and how other people contributed to the situation, and then also turn that lens internally and ask ourselves how did we contribute to the situation, negatively and positively. This perspective helps grow our self awareness too, because we can have a more objective view of our behaviours, thoughts, actions and outcomes.

This healthy perspective means we can then see how all the pieces played a role, and have all the information we need to decide how to move forward. 

To help create a balanced view, intentionally ask yourself questions about the environment and others, and then intentionally ask yourself questions about yourself and your contribution. 

Want support to grow your self awareness as a leader?

Inside the Epic Self Leadership Program I teach you how to shift your mindset so that you can view all the information in a situation and decide on the best way forward as a leader. I show you how to nurture your internal focus and self awareness and how to STOP being the drama and START being the epic baddie leader you want to be. 

Apply for the next intake here: Epic Self Leadership Program